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So, I joined Capoeira this week. If you are wondering what the heck that is, it is Brazilian martial arts…if you will.

Capoeira dates back hundreds of years to the slave trade period in Brazil. African slaves were brought to Brazil to work in the tobacco and sugar farms. They were brought in from many different parts of Africa and there began a melding of cultures. While their conditions looked bleak, the slaves kept their hopes of freedom alive by practicing their native traditions. Then, disguised as a cultural dance, the slaves began to practice Capoeira. Acrobatics, sweeps, kicks, ginga… Capoeira was born. But Capoeira gave slaves more than hope.

In Pernambuco, a group of forty slaves used Capoeira to rebel against their master and burned down the plantation house. They then set themselves free and headed for the mountains. Eventually they reached what they felt was a safe place and named it Palmares, because of the abundance of palm trees. In this place, an African community was born. It lasted nearly a century and grew to a population of more than twenty thousand.”

From CBPEast

So far, I’m really loving the class. Everyone is really nice and fun to be around.

The workout though is a whole other story, I didn’t know I was so out of shape (lying to myself) until I started the workout routine they have. OMG I thought I was going to DIE! Today was my second day…or well yesterday and I still hurt everywhere. Especially my legs, I think it has to do with me breaking my ankle once upon a time and fracturing the other a couple of times…sports does that to ya. But I know that if I keep on with this class, I’ll get back into shape in no time and also learn some cool moves along the way!

Good luck for me!

A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.

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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is! a litt le too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

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THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being ha! s ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a healt h and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

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SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Disclaimer: I did not write this or any way claim ownership of this. I got it in an email as a forward and thought it was too funny to pass up and decided to post it here. If by chance you know who wrote this and would like to send me a link or name so that I may give proper credit, well it will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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